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Bereavement and Death in Service
Bereavement
The death of someone close is one of the hardest of life’s experiences and can present one of the greatest challenges we ever have to face. It presents us with a bewildering range of decisions and arrangements to make at a time when we are least able to cope. It can affect us in several different ways – emotionally; physically; socially and in many practical aspects.
Bereavement resulting from a traumatic event can have a marked effect due to its tragic, violent nature. Living with the risk is no preparation for death. Denial and adjustment can last longer; reproach may be more intense and anxiety states deeper. In some cases, coupled with the unnatural age range and suddenness of the death, there is the lack of a funeral. The funeral gives a starting point for the mental process of establishing the reality of death.
A lack of clear guidance as to what is correct can lead some people to go to extraordinary lengths to demonstrate their loss. Unable to give up the role of mourner the bereaved person may become crippled by grief. It can be difficult for the elderly to accept new roles or responsibilities and when the partner is no longer there some may choose to become reclusive and close the door against a strange world.
Grief resulting from the death of a spouse often last longer than family and friends may understand. Many widows and widowers experience grief well into the first year of bereavement and sporadically for a long time beyond that.
The stages of grief
It is accepted that there are identifiable stages to the grieving process however, the boundaries are not specifically defined. While it might not be possible to say someone is at a particular stage in this process it is possible to recognise the trends and to determine what support and assurance someone needs to help them understand the process.
The various stages of grieving can be identified as:
• shock - this is often the first reaction
• denial - where the bereaved person may refuse to accept the loss
• avoidance - a wish to escape from the grieving situation
• acceptance - in time, a willingness to accept the loss and move on.
Bereavement and children
Children (and parents) may need an opportunity to repeatedly describe the loss they have experienced before they can come to terms with it. Children often express this in the form of play and parents may become distressed by what appears to be an unfeeling attitude by the child/ren. The children can then feel guilty or responsible for the death in some way because of the distress shown by the parent. It is sometimes useful to explain that carrying on with normal life is a healthy indication and does not show an uncaring attitude. Adolescents have different concerns. For example;
• What effect will the bereavement have on their future?
• Will they have to leave school and begin work?
• Will they be expected to take on family responsibilities?
Questions like this may often be asked and it may help to discuss subjects like this. It could reduce anxieties and allow the whole family to plan their future.
Bereavement and the elderly
Losses of one sort or another occur more frequently as people age. Friends and relatives die and in some cases reducing mobility can make it difficult to keep in touch with those who remain. Often homes and familiar neighbourhoods are left behind or change. Sight, hearing and other physical functions may diminish. Grief and loneliness can become a common theme in old age.
The stages of grief are all present in an elderly person’s bereavement but each stage is modified in some way by the effects of age. For example, those with memory problems may fail to remember what is painful to remember.
Research has indicated the elderly grieve differently to the young. Extreme outbursts of despair or rage are rare in the elderly, but they are more prone to the physical reactions of bereavement. Pre-existing conditions such as osteoarthritis may be aggravated by anxiety, tension and a lack of distraction following bereavement.
Financial
A death can cause financial problems for those who are left. These may be temporary while the administration of the deceased’s estate is completed but in some cases long-term help may be needed. Benefits and pension claim forms are complex under normal circumstances but following bereavement this could become exaggerated for some clients. Practical help provided by the Veterans Welfare Service can help to relieve the stress and anxiety.
Support groups
Organisations for the bereaved can do a great deal to help with the grieving process. Some provide local support networks offering advice and support.
The Compassionate Friends
53 North Street
Bristol, BS3 1EN
Tel: 0117 966 5202/0117 953 9639
(An international organisation of bereaved parents offering friendship and understanding to other bereaved parents).
War Widows Association of Great Britain
c/o RBL, 48 Pall Mall
London, SW1Y 5JY
Tel: 0870 2411 305
(Contact above named for local secretaries).
National Association of Widows (Great Britain)
48 Queens Road
Coventry, CV1 3EH
Tel: 024 7663 4848
(A small national organisation which offers help and advice whenever possible).
Gingerbread
16/17 Clerkenwell Close
London, EC1R 0AA
Tel: 020 7336 8183
(Offers day-to-day support and emotional help to lone parents and their children through a nationwide network of self-help groups).
Samaritans - National number: 0845 790 9090
(A national counselling organisation. See telephone book for local numbers.)
Winston’s Wish
Westmoreland House
80-86 Bath Road
Cheltenham
Gloucestershire
GL53 7JT
(The UK’s leading child bereavement charity) |
